still struggling

Well I was up 1.6 this week. I almost cried. I mean, I wasn't perfect, but I don't think I was a pound and a half bad! I have decided not to track any steps or excersize I do for a couple of weeks. I think those activity points make me cocky - like I have PLENTY Of points, I can afford to eat that! I am also going to pull back on activity period - just not make it a priority, just for a couple weeks. This is a great time to do that since I have rehearsal pretty much every day for a month. I also didn't start for the meeting Monday because I had to go meet with one of my directors. But I am going to the 5:30 meeting tonight and I knew that so I wasn't concerned.


This week I am also not eating points at the end of the night just because I have them. That's stupid. I have, however, been drinking a glass of wine every night, so a bunch of my extra points will be used anyway.

I am totally focused this week so far. I am writing everything down, and I am determined to write everything down over the weekend too. That was my downfall the last couple weeks I think. I know it's not even halfway over yet, but I am feeling good. I have about three and a half pounds to loose to get back down to my lowest weight, and that's frustrating, but I can't let it get to me. Food binges will only make things worse. I have to keep telling myself that.

Friday morning introspection + NSV

So I have been going to 2 meeting a week. I don't know if I've talked about this before, but it's only been going on for a few weeks. My old leader - the one I had when I lost the 100 the first time - came back to my center Thursday nights. And I love her! We actually became friends on my last journey, facebook friends and everything! Which I know leaders aren't supposed to do, but there you go. She is only there for a 6 week stint, and my reg meeting is on Mondays so it's a really nice mid week boost. Her take on the meeting topic is so different than my normal leader, so I really get something out of both meetings. I won't switch though, not because of the only six week thing, but because I feel like since my current leader didn't know me my last go round, she is less judgy about how I look now. Which I know is in my head that my old leader is judgmental about my current weight, but I do have those thoughts.


Anyway, at last nights meeting there was this woman who I guess lost a significant amount of weight (it was never said exactly how much, but from the way she talked, it seemed like a lot) And the leader asked her how she kept the motivation or something along those long lines. And this woman just went on this whole thing about how she would never ever ever, couldn't possibly go back to her old habits and gain in back, because well, she just couldn't go back to being that way and there wasn't a question in her mind blah blah blah. And I hate to be a shit about it, but I was like that too last time - there wasn't a doubt in my mind that I would keep it off. And I heard myself, last time in this woman, that extreme cockiness about the whole thing, and I cringed. Now maybe this lady will stick to her guns and keep it all off and I honestly hope that she does. I wish I had. And because I didn't, I am bitter and negative when people say things like that. For me, the weight came off sooooooo easily the first time, it just melted off, I swear to god. This time it's like I have to rip every ounce off. And it's hard and it sucks and I really really really regret being so cocky, because I think in the back of my head, somewhere, I thought "I could loose it again easily whenever I want!" HAH. I am praying that it being so difficult is going to change my attitude, that I'll be so friggin desperate not to let this happen again, that I really truly am in this for the long haul. But I suppose you never know.

Ok, on a much happier note, but also relating to last nights meeting, something awesome happened to me this morning. Even though I've lost 30+ pounds, I don't feel like I've gone down in size. It's more like I was bulging at the seams of my clothes before (mostly because it was getting harder and harder to find clothes that fit me, especially in my fav place, good will) and now it's more like I actually fit the clothes I was wearing before. So Last nights meeting was about setting a goal before Halloween. I hate setting scale time goals because I almost never reach them in the allotted time and then I just get depressed and pissed off. So someone suggested a clothing goal - fit into a piece of clothes. Now I did give a lot of my fav stuff to my best friend and I grew out of it (and I know she's getting/gotten rid of a lot of that because she is growing out of stuff, which pisses me off, but whatever) but I do have some things in the back of my closet that I refused to get rid of, or bought but they were a little too small, but I loved them enough and it was in the beginning of my current journey so I bought them anyway - I ended up choosing one of those. But I digress. I tried on this one pair of pants I used to love and holy crap, they fit! They are actually a little loose around my waist, but I have such an hourglass figure that it's hard to find stuff that it's big around my waist (and I hate low rides, I always want to pull them up - a sign that I am getting old and unfashionable.



And wow this is a long blog post, but I had a lot to say!

I heart danishes! :(

Today I am feeling incredibly weak. I am hormonal or something and just feeling really lonely and depressed. This happened last month and it totally got the best of me and I gave in and ate and ate and ate. Right now I am fighting the urge to go to the food court downstairs and get a pastry. Mmmm...pastries....
But I won't. I'm also worried about dinner, I was depressed, so my roommate convinced me that I didn't have to cook (he didn't have to work very hard). And we are completely out of leftovers in my house, making me extremely vulnerable to the lure of fatty fast food. Last night I made decent fast food choices and miracurasly managed to stay in my points for the day - And I did the fitness track! Plus got to my 10,000 step daily goal.

The only thing I have going for me is that I am now in the midst of crazy rehearsal schedule (i do community theatre in addition to my day job - stage managing, usually) so unlike last month I won't be sitting at home wanting to eat everything in sight, with plenty of options of what to eat. I will be at rehearsal, and tonight is vocals for Trial by jury, which means I will spend 2 hours walking the halls, raking up the steps, so at least I will get activity and won't have any food within grasp. I can get through this week, I have to!

Gain...of course.

Well I haven't had a chance to update yesterdays weigh in, but it's not good. I gained back what I lost last week. UG. There are a couple possible reasons for such a big gain. I did have Chinese food for dinner last night, which could have bloated me...or it could have been the I-don't-care-I-am-putting-what-I-want-into-my-mouth Saturday I had - Including two(!) danishes. Well, they were yummy, but boy was it not worth it. The good news is I hadn't had one of those days in a long time, and it seems to be out of my system now. I also seem to be on the steady loose three weeks in a row, gain the 4th week groove, which I am NOT happy with! More bad news 0 next week will be my TOM. So I guess I will have to be more focused than ever this week if I am going to hope to see ANY loss. The thought is just depressing, but I am refocused and ready to go! My promise to myself is to do the fitness trail by my house this week at least 2 times, despite my crazy busy schedule. I brought sneakers and a work out shirt and they are waiting for me in my car so I will have no excuse to go home first and get lost in the TV or something. (yeah I have NO problem changing my shirt in my car, I'm weird like that).
I am also going to try to make it a habit to post every Tuesday, at least - writing all this stuff is incredibly helpful to me.