pump it up! or not

i need to figure out a way to get some concentrated activity back into my life. I just have so much more energy and feel bettter mentally. I seem to have it in my head that i either have to go 6-7 days a week or not at all. which is totally stupid. I keep telling myself that i am going to join the brand new Y that is across the street from where i work. i love love love taking classes - doing it in my living room isnt the same, too easy not to push myself (though i think i am the only person on earth who doesn't like Zumba - i think i have taken too many real dance classes. Or i have just had really awful teachers) i just dnt have the money right now, hopefully i will get a raise this year so i can.

Car Trip Conundrum

I am happy to report that I lost 1.8 this week! That means that I am only .2 away from my lowest weight again (this time!) and .6 away from -35. With Halloween approaching like a speeding bullet, and me having a tremendous sweet tooth, I'm taking this weeks meeting topic to heart. My roommate's son is with us 50% of the time, so this morning I asked him to please hide any incoming candy from me. I really don't think I'll go looking for it if I don't know where it is, esp. since I'm going to be so busy with shows.


The other major issue this week is that I'm going to The Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear in DC this weekend. This means a 4 hour road trip. We are leaving Friday noonish and returning Saturday evening. I am worried about how much control I will have over food. Let's see, if I eat before I leave, that means I have dinner Friday, and breakfast, lunch and possibly dinner Friday. Probably continental breakfast at the hotel, so that's a problem, but they usually have like cheerios or something. Well, I'm not too terribly worried about eating out, when in doubt, there is usually a grilled chicken sandwich. The main concern in the road trip, where you are bored with nothing to do but eat. I need to figure out a couple snacks I can bring that are yummy, but not too yummy. You know, something I'll eat, but not eat all of in one sitting. Fruits and veggies won't work, because I won't eat them if there's something more tempting (neither of my friends I'm going with is attempting to loose weight as far as I know and they both looove junk food) and I can't rely on will power when bored in the car for 4 hours. When I went to Florida, homemade low cal guacamole worked really well, but my one friend loves guac, and I'm afraid she'll eat it all, so I'll need something else as well. This will take some careful consideration.
PS I just looked up the hotel we are staying in and there is a fitness center! Here's hoping I'll find the time Friday night to use it!

Why does the scale taunt me so?!?

So I haven't quit WW, cause I know that's what I would be thinking f someone didn't past for a couple weeks. But I am extremely frustrated. I had this really good week, and I gained .4, which I was just devastated about. I feel like I have to be completely PERFECT to loose anything, which honestly I shouldn't have to be, who's perfect? Anyway, I wasn't derailed until I became extremely sleep deprived (tech week) and then I just got this who cares attitude and ate and ate and ate. The good news? I only gained .4 that week too! WHAT?!? So confused, honestly I deserved a 5 pound gain the way I was eating - but I got on the scale because, for me, if I don't, it snowballs. Getting on that scale in front of someone and having my weight officially recorded is like an auto reset for me. And I am so happy it did - a point 4 gain?!?!


So this week I am back on track. Cooking, eating leftovers, bringing in my little snacks to get me through the day. yesterday I went to Dunkin Donuts because I wanted to get a copy of the City Paper (there was a fabulous review of my current running show in it) and I got a coffee (brought my own cream - I always use one creamer in the morning and count it as a point, but really two of them are a point, so adding another creamer really added no points) and instead of getting a whole donut that I really wanted and would have been 5 points, I got 2 munchkins at 1 point each. I made fiber one banana nut muffins last night because when I come home from rehearsal late at night I often crave a little sweet snack. Normally prepared they are 3 pts each, but I substituted the oil with apple sauce, and I think that made them 2 points each - I tried to figure it out the best I could.

I am seriously considering changing my weigh in day to sat morning. I am not willing to give up my leader who only does my current meeting at that particular center, but Monday nights are hard, man. I have to be super careful over the weekend, and I always end up starving myself on Mondays to get a better weight. That can't be healthy.

Salad quest!

Well I lost a little over half a pound yesterday, which I am actually pretty happy about - even though I am stil a little over a pound above my this time lowest.  I had a profound blog topic thought yesterday, but between then and now, I completely lost it.  That's what being sleep deprived does to you I guess.  I went to happy hour/drinking all night with a close friend of mine Friday night, which we do every couple months, and so I know know know that i went well over my allotted pointage, but I mucst have made up for it somewhere, because I lost weight!  Onward to next week.  I cna't wait forthis rehearsal every freaking day shit to be over.  I am so exhausted.  But that's not stopping me from making smart choices.  Go me.  I am still focused.  I do think all of this running around is helping me though.  I'm not bored at home grazing.  WHen I'm out, I am generally not around food, and though it does result in me going for fast food a lot, I always try to am myself in the general direction of Subway.  I would like to eat more salads though, but the ww app doens't seem to be terribly up to date with what salads the local fast food joints are selling.  While I want to get my fruits and veggies in, I want to stay within my points range as well.  I know from experience that salads can be higher points than say a turkey sub or a grilled chicken sandwich.  I just can't survive without dressing and I am not a fan of the ff ranch or ff italian, which is generally what's offered as the lighter option.  I'll have to research that, I suppose - when I find the time to breathe.

avoiding the binge monster

Well I am down this week, but just what I gained last week. I hate to be a negative nancy, but I feel like that weight was just TOM weight. Which sucks, because I was pretty good last week. But I am going to be better this week. I am still not getting any activity - honestly with my schedule, I can't- but that's ok for now. I am focusing on my food intake. And I have done a few things already this week that I am proud of. I was STARVING on the way home from rehearsal, but I talked myself out of going through some drive through somewhere, and instead waited until I got home and popped a bag of Healthy Choice popcorn. I was off work yesterday (random vacation day) and instead of getting Chinese for lunch like I normally do on my days off, I had leftover chili (about an 11 point difference!).


And my most proud moment - how I dealt with crisis last night. I got a flat tire on my way to rehearsal. I immediately called my director to let him know that I probably wouldn't make it out. He was very understanding, probably because I was on the verge of tears (I don't handle minor crisis very well at first). So I call triple A, because really I was on one of those roads with a million lights and a million shopping centers and while technically, I know how to change a tire, I have AAA, so why get all gross and sweaty and look stupid when AAA has fancy gadgets that will take them 5 minutes to do something that might possibly take me an hour? Plus, I felt I should get my moneys worth out of that, since I would be paying so much for two stupid tires later. Then I start calling around to see who can get me a new tire now, otherwise I would have to wait two days and that was not a good amount of time to be driving around on a spare. I found a place after a couple of failed phone calls (it was 7:30 at this place, most were closed or busy), and the AAA guy was the fastest I have EVER seen AAA be (5-10 minutes, I was seriously impressed). He was cute too. Anyway, I go up there, they are super nice, I get 2 tires (on the economical side, as the Sears guy put it, whatever) and while I was waiting I did a little retail therapy (the clothes depressed me but the seriously marked down purse made me feel better - and I always think lately when I go into the dressing room and get mad at my body and depressed about the size of my arms and thighs "at least I am doing something about it") Anyway, when all that was over, I could have gone home, I had a pass from the director, and I wrestled with what I should do. If I went to rehearsal, I would only be there for the last hour, but if I went home there was a really good chance I would eat a cake (because really, that's my true coping mechanism when dealing with crisis - food) And while I did have 10 points left, good luck finding a cake for 10 points, and lets be honest, there is a good chance I wouldn't have stopped with the cake. So I went to rehearsal, and everyone was really excited to see me, and my mind got past the need to stuff myself to make myself feel better. I did have a glass of wine and a cup cake (ok, 2). But I know know know that it would have been a million times worse had I gone home earlier. I counted for everything (went a couple points over, but I have quite a bit of my weeklies left.

So now I just have to get through this weekend - and my goal is to WRITE EVERY BITE DOWN. Which will be hard since I am going out drinking tonight with a friend, but I have the rest of my weeklies and after planning out my breakfast and lunch so far, I should be ok as long as I stick with light beer. Wish me luck!

still struggling

Well I was up 1.6 this week. I almost cried. I mean, I wasn't perfect, but I don't think I was a pound and a half bad! I have decided not to track any steps or excersize I do for a couple of weeks. I think those activity points make me cocky - like I have PLENTY Of points, I can afford to eat that! I am also going to pull back on activity period - just not make it a priority, just for a couple weeks. This is a great time to do that since I have rehearsal pretty much every day for a month. I also didn't start for the meeting Monday because I had to go meet with one of my directors. But I am going to the 5:30 meeting tonight and I knew that so I wasn't concerned.


This week I am also not eating points at the end of the night just because I have them. That's stupid. I have, however, been drinking a glass of wine every night, so a bunch of my extra points will be used anyway.

I am totally focused this week so far. I am writing everything down, and I am determined to write everything down over the weekend too. That was my downfall the last couple weeks I think. I know it's not even halfway over yet, but I am feeling good. I have about three and a half pounds to loose to get back down to my lowest weight, and that's frustrating, but I can't let it get to me. Food binges will only make things worse. I have to keep telling myself that.

Friday morning introspection + NSV

So I have been going to 2 meeting a week. I don't know if I've talked about this before, but it's only been going on for a few weeks. My old leader - the one I had when I lost the 100 the first time - came back to my center Thursday nights. And I love her! We actually became friends on my last journey, facebook friends and everything! Which I know leaders aren't supposed to do, but there you go. She is only there for a 6 week stint, and my reg meeting is on Mondays so it's a really nice mid week boost. Her take on the meeting topic is so different than my normal leader, so I really get something out of both meetings. I won't switch though, not because of the only six week thing, but because I feel like since my current leader didn't know me my last go round, she is less judgy about how I look now. Which I know is in my head that my old leader is judgmental about my current weight, but I do have those thoughts.


Anyway, at last nights meeting there was this woman who I guess lost a significant amount of weight (it was never said exactly how much, but from the way she talked, it seemed like a lot) And the leader asked her how she kept the motivation or something along those long lines. And this woman just went on this whole thing about how she would never ever ever, couldn't possibly go back to her old habits and gain in back, because well, she just couldn't go back to being that way and there wasn't a question in her mind blah blah blah. And I hate to be a shit about it, but I was like that too last time - there wasn't a doubt in my mind that I would keep it off. And I heard myself, last time in this woman, that extreme cockiness about the whole thing, and I cringed. Now maybe this lady will stick to her guns and keep it all off and I honestly hope that she does. I wish I had. And because I didn't, I am bitter and negative when people say things like that. For me, the weight came off sooooooo easily the first time, it just melted off, I swear to god. This time it's like I have to rip every ounce off. And it's hard and it sucks and I really really really regret being so cocky, because I think in the back of my head, somewhere, I thought "I could loose it again easily whenever I want!" HAH. I am praying that it being so difficult is going to change my attitude, that I'll be so friggin desperate not to let this happen again, that I really truly am in this for the long haul. But I suppose you never know.

Ok, on a much happier note, but also relating to last nights meeting, something awesome happened to me this morning. Even though I've lost 30+ pounds, I don't feel like I've gone down in size. It's more like I was bulging at the seams of my clothes before (mostly because it was getting harder and harder to find clothes that fit me, especially in my fav place, good will) and now it's more like I actually fit the clothes I was wearing before. So Last nights meeting was about setting a goal before Halloween. I hate setting scale time goals because I almost never reach them in the allotted time and then I just get depressed and pissed off. So someone suggested a clothing goal - fit into a piece of clothes. Now I did give a lot of my fav stuff to my best friend and I grew out of it (and I know she's getting/gotten rid of a lot of that because she is growing out of stuff, which pisses me off, but whatever) but I do have some things in the back of my closet that I refused to get rid of, or bought but they were a little too small, but I loved them enough and it was in the beginning of my current journey so I bought them anyway - I ended up choosing one of those. But I digress. I tried on this one pair of pants I used to love and holy crap, they fit! They are actually a little loose around my waist, but I have such an hourglass figure that it's hard to find stuff that it's big around my waist (and I hate low rides, I always want to pull them up - a sign that I am getting old and unfashionable.



And wow this is a long blog post, but I had a lot to say!